10 Things I Would Do if I Ever Caught a Spammer

shrek06-lordfarquaad.jpgI’m getting bloody pissed off with spammers of late, whether it’s the emailing type or the comment spam type, these people are really starting to get on my tits and I feel like they’re really ruining the internet for everyone.

My hatred of spammers is such that I have now come up with a list of ten things I would do to a spammer if I could just get hold of them.

The words that follow are the words of a man on the edge. A man that is getting buried under a deluge of spam and a man that wants REVENGE!

Read on, if you aren’t squeamish or easily offended! ;)

1. Stop them typing

If a spammer can’t type, then it’s going to make life a hell of a lot more interesting for them, so my first act would be to smash their finger bones into little teeny bits using a lump hammer. It would be bloody and messy but the crunching noises would make it oh so very satisfying.

2. Make computer use even harder

Without fingers its still possible to use a computer using assistive devices like those head pointer thingies but that’s a lot harder if you can’t see, so since I would already have the hammer to hand, I would use it to drive a couple of 9 inch steel nails into their eyeballs. Mmmmm squishy!

3. The only person that will need Viagra will be them!

After years of having the bastards trying to force sex enhancing pills on me, I think it’s time that I gave them a taste of their own medicin by swapping the lump hammer for a sledge hammer and crushing their mansacks. If that doesn’t kill their sex drive I don’t know what will.

4. Time for some fun!

Well… I’ve still got plenty of time to exact my revenge, so now I think it’s time for some fun! I’m going to strap the bugger up and hang them from a high place on a sturdy rope, and then invite anyone else who fancies a pop to come and use them as a human pinata! Of course, little sticks wouldn’t achieve the effect I’m after, so I’ll be handing out metal crowbars!

5. Take them for a walk!

Still feeling in the mood to share my experience with the people, I would walk/drag them through town with a big sign over their head labelled “SPAMMER” and let people inflict their own choice of revenge.

6. Nap Time!

By this point it’ll probably be getting pretty dark and I’ll be in need of a kip after a hard day of inflicting revenge on this scum bag, so I’ll dump their barely breathing carcass into a freshly purchased iron maiden and slide them under my bed. I’ll be sleeping soundly, they’ll probably be unconcious!

7. Wake up call!

The following morning I would remove them from the iron maiden and dump them in a locked sound-proof room with nothing but a subwoofer playing the brown note continuously.

8. Bath Time!

I’m not going to walk around with that faeces laden spammer so I’ll spray them with a highly corrosive acid – that should clean them up a treat (and probably sting a tad as well!).

9. Put it out of it’s misery

By now the spamming bastard will have been in agony for at least 24 hours, so I’m going to put the son of a bitch out of it’s misery. I love action flicks so I think I’m going to have to break it’s neck with my bare hands. Naturally, I’m not an SAS trained merc so it’ll probably take a couple of goes to get the job done, but I’ll keep trying until the job is done.

10. Get rid of the evidence

From watching the classic brit flick “Snatch” I know the best way to get rid of a dead body – chop it up into six peices (easier to move) and feed it to pigs, and that is exactly what I would do. Of course, I would have to take a momento like a ring or maybe their head to leave in the bed of another spammer as a warning.

To quote Brick Top:

And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it’s no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies’ digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don’t want to go sievin’ through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, “as greedy as a pig”.

In case you wondered… I’m not really quite *this* unhinged, this list is intended as satire, but it’s made me feel a damn sight better composing this list and thinking of all of the things I could do. ;)

Let me know if you ever catch one… ;)

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by Andy

About Andy

Andy Warburton is a web designer and developer from the UK currently living in Amsterdam, The Netherlands. When he's not building totally awesome WordPress themes or stuffing his face with Sushi, Andy can be found hanging out with his wonderful wife and child. You should totally follow me on Twitter

2 Comments – Join The Discussion!

  • Lol,nice!

    By Stephen on July 25, 2007 @ 6:41 pm | # | Reply

  • I’m wondering if calling you a sadist right now would be the understatement of the year or no..

    on a different note, lemme know if you need an assisstant ;)

    By arataster on July 29, 2008 @ 12:30 pm | # | Reply

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